How to Choose the Right Spouse? 

Marriage is important if it was built on Islamic standards. It is a responsibility, and cannot be made in a rush or without studying the partner well before taking the decision, because it is a joint life of two different persons, hearts, bodies, minds in a single house for the rest of their lives. One of the scholars says that marriage has 5 statuses: 

  1. Obligation: if the person is certain that if he does not get married, he will commit the haram.
  2. A must: if the person doubts that if he does not get married, he will commit the haram.
  3. Permissible: if the person has the means and the criteria to commit to that responsibility.
  4. Hated: if the person doubts that he might oppress the partner.
  5. Forbidden: if the person is sure that he will oppress the partner, whether because he has a physical problem or he cannot afford the commitment.  

Bokitta Blog - How to Choose the Right Spouse? 

Choosing a partner to share your life with, is like reuniting two hearts together in the same lock. When choosing a life partner, do not only rely on your love for the person to tie the knot with him, yet you need to consider all aspects of life to decide if this is the right person for you. And choosing him for his handsomeness or his money may not last, yet there are other important criteria that you need to consider when making the big decision. 

So here are 9 criteria that will help you choose the right spouse to accompany you in your life journey and your afterlife in Jannah, In shaa Allah:

1. Someone with a Good Religious Level (Piety)

    The main and the most important criteria to choose a man to be your husband is his religion (Piety) and good characters as the Prophet ‘peace be upon him’ recommended.

    إِذَا خَطَبَ إِلَيْكُمْ مَنْ تَرْضَوْنَ دِينَهُ وَخُلُقَهُ فَزَوِّجُوهُ إِلَا تَفْعَلُوا تَكُنْ فِتَنَةٌ فِي الْأَرْضِ وَفَسَادٌ عَرِيضٌ ( رَوَاهُ التِّرْمِذِيُّ)
    Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said, “When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accede to his request. If you do not do so there will be a temptation in the earth and extensive corruption” (At- Tirmidhi)

    What witnesses for the religious level of a man, is how often he goes to the Masjid and his reputation among people. And his religious level should reflect on his Jawareh (body parts).

    "إِذَا رَأَيْتُمُ الرَّجُلَ يَعْتَادُ الْمَساجِدَ فَاشْهَدُوا لَهُ بِالإِيمَانِ" (سنن ابن ماجه)
    The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, "When you see a man frequenting the Masjid, then testify to his faith” (Ibn Majah)

    Choose someone with piety signs on his face and actions, deriving from his heart, that if he loves you, he honors you and if he ever dislikes something from you, he never oppresses you.

    Bokitta Blog - How to Choose the Right Spouse? 

    2. Someone with Good Manners and Characters 

      This criterion should be in the same importance of the religious level of the man, they both come together. And if good characters weren’t of the same importance of the religious level, then the prophet ‘ peace be upon him’ wouldn’t have told us that in the hadith! You cannot live with a person who treats you badly or reflects bad characters on his entourage.

      As a woman choosing a life partner, you need to consider choosing someone with good manners and characters. Let it be the one with the kind heart and the sweet talks, someone with the gentle touches and the lower gaze. This appears in the way he treats his parents, family, and colleagues. Also, in the way he deals with money and business.

      Characters might be very difficult to change in someone, even if he says that he will change for you, yet this might never happen. You need to know his characters ahead, such as if he was stingy, nervous, or dishonest to know if this person is convenient for you.

      Bokitta Blog - How to Choose the Right Spouse? 

      3. Someone with Goals and Ambitions in Life 

        The goals of a person in life should cover different aspects such as the financial, cultural, social and the physical level. You cannot live with someone who does not have a goal or someone limited in his way of seeing life, especially if you are a person with high ambitions and you are looking for satisfaction and stability in housing and income. 

        4. Someone who Shares the same Understanding of Marriage as You 

          Make sure you have the basics in common. If each person of you sees marriage from a totally different perspective, this might cause you a problem. 

          You need to be on the same level of agreement on your priorities in the shared life and how you want your things to go. For example, if he insists on having kids from the first year of marriage and you have other priorities like finishing your education, you need to think about your choice. On the other hand, if you have a mentality that your partner should help you in the work at home, and he is against the idea, you should discuss the matter and try to reach an agreement over it.

          5. He has an Income Source from Work or Business that can grant you a Decent Life 

            "مَنِ اسْتَطَاعَ مِنْكُمُ الْبَاءَةَ فَلْيَتَزَوَّجْ..." (سنن النسائي)
            "The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, 'Whoever among you can afford to get married, let him do so …” (An-Nasai)

            This criterion does not mean that a man should be a millionaire so you accept to marry him! Yet, he should afford to offer you housing, food, and all life essentials that grant you a stable and beautiful life.  Although, if you accept to marry someone with limited income and is nearly poor, Allah will enrich you in life and the afterlife, not only financially but in all aspects that you could imagine.

            Bokitta Blog - How to Choose the Right Spouse? 

            6. Has Moderate Relationships with Family and Friends 

              You need to investigate how this person deals socially, especially with his parents and siblings because you will become his family and he will treat you in the same way he treats them, whether it was good or bad.

              His relationships with women should be limited, and within the frame of work and business only; not just because you might get jealous yet but also because religiously, he is not allowed to cross these limits.

              Bokitta Blog - How to Choose the Right Spouse? 

              7. Someone with a Social and Educational Equivalence with You

                Coming from very different backgrounds may cause many problems, especially if each person is attached to his way of life and family rituals, and does not easily accept others from an uneven intellectual, educational or financial background. You need to consider your family and your standards, although it is okay to choose someone from a different stratum of society, but make sure he is not completely off the mark. 

                8. Someone Whom You can Have Chemistry With

                  You need to check how you rhyme together and the harmony you share. Chemistry among a couple is very important to create a successful relationship. Living the ‘long’ rest of the life with a partner does not only require you to love them, yet you need to like them as well because you will be spending so much time together. 

                  There is a difference between two people who understand each other by eye contact and those who make an effort to transmit their ideas and feelings. So choose someone you can connect with easily and who can make you laugh, so you can enjoy doing things together. 

                  Here are 9 Primary traits to look for in your man:

                  1. Full Masculinity: meaning in the way of dealing with the situations and handling difficult ones.
                  2. Generous: in words and feelings and not just financially. 
                  3. Romantic and emotional: and this does not eliminate anything from his masculinity, yet it brings you closer and lifts his value in your eyes.
                  4. Merciful to others: to have a tender heart especially with family members, children, orphans, and the elderly.
                  5. Chivalrous (Noble): that he takes care of his family in all life means, by himself without someone requesting him to do so.
                  6. Positive: Since he has stewardship over the house, he must be a positive person to know how to manage the house, support the wife and deal with the children.
                  7. Jealous and not overprotective: on his wife and children, on their religion and their actions in the society. 
                  8.  He lowers his gaze: from what was prohibited by Allah (even without the presence of his spouse).
                  9. Respectful in the way he talks: he chooses his words and doesn’t swear.

                  Bokitta Blog - How to Choose the Right Spouse? 

                  This is why the engagement period is very important, to study each other and imagine how your future life together will be. It is an opportunity for you to know if this is the right person and if you can really spend the rest of your life with him. Allah will bless your marriage with love and mercy, which will facilitate things for you. And remember with agreement and discussion, many things might change, and with time you could understand each other better. 

                  We advise you to investigate the future husband and not easily judge on his appearance and the words of people who have not known this person for a long time nor dealt with him in different situations.

                  These criteria are not to be compromised for, for any reason, because remember, that you will be having a full life with that person, on a 24/7 basis, add to this that you will be taking major decisions and raising kids together, so you will reflect everything on them! So choose right for you and your kids. 

                  🍃 We ask Allah to honor our girls with the best spouses that help them increase their religious acts and accompany them to Jannah. 🍃

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